


The Roses of my Heart

by Kaminwh



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Angst, But still Changyoon for now, Hanahaki Disease, JTion, Leaders | HyoJ mentioned, M/M, Mention of blood, Seungjun and not Seungjoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:33:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25290196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaminwh/pseuds/Kaminwh
Summary: Changyoon is trying to deal with his unrequired love toward Seungjun and is pretty bad at itJTion Hanahaki disease au ~
Relationships: Lee Changyoon | E-Tion/Lee Seungjoon | J-Us
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	The Roses of my Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Here is my second JTion au as promised! Thank you for being interested in that fic because I'm really bad at doing summary so I just went with the bare minimum and I feel like it's not doing a good job,, English is not my first language but I'm doing my best!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy <3

“When is your surgery?”

Changyoon sipped on his iced americano without daring to meet Jaeyoung’s gaze. It was one of his numerous habits when he had something to hide or to be sorry about. Jaeyoung was younger than him, but he always had this parent vibe that made Changyoon act childish without even knowing it. When the silence started to last a bit too long, the castella-haired boy slowly lifted his eyes, only to be met with a worried face.

“Don’t tell me you are planning to do like in this romantic but cliché film and die with your feelings, because I would find a way to make you come back from the dead to kill you myself. Twice.”

Changyoon gulped and laughed falsely. He drank the last sip of his coffee and laid back against the wooden chair.

His sigh was tired. Full of fear and confusion.

“Hey, is something wrong?” Jaeyoung asked in a soft voice, but he didn’t manage to hide all of his worries.

Changyoon turned his head and let his eyes wander in the little coffee shop that felt like home. Jaeyoung had been working here for almost two years now, and Changyoon usually came here every Thursday; by chance their own break coincided and Changyoon was working in the same neighbourhood.

“No,” he simply lied.

Everything was wrong.

“I’m just a bit scared, I guess,” he whispered with a smile that he was proud to be able to express.

The world was both blurry and aggressive. Lately, it was like his senses were in a state of chaos, caged between death and love. The light was blinding, the powerful scent of coffee was making him dizzy, and the calming background music was enhancing everything.

Maybe the feelings were the worst part. The way he made Jaeyoung worried, the way he could sense how is friend was stressing over his stupid situation, and he wasn’t even able to do the bare minimum to stop it.

He was a coward.

An asshole, but a coward first.

“I’ll make sure to do it this week, okay? Don’t worry.”

It was Jaeyoung’s turn to sigh. The poor boy seemed exhausted and Changyoon hated himself because he was a part of his friend’s current troubles.

“How do you want me not to worry? It’s getting worse, right?”

A tired hand massaged his eyes and ruffled his black hair.

“Do you want me to come over? Do you want me to be there? If you need me-“

“No, I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m a big boy, I can fix an appointment by myself.”

Liar.

He should have done it two weeks ago already.

Jaeyoung didn’t seem convinced but nodded slowly.

“Then, make sure to text me when you know the date.”

“Of course.”

Changyoon smiled a bit more brightly and Jaeyoung did the same. It was like an absurd comedy, both wearing masks when they knew they were able to read each other perfectly.

“Shouldn’t you go?” the younger boy pointed out.

Changyoon stood up in a second.

“Oh god, I’m a dead man if I end up being late…”

Jaeyoung laughed softly and stood up too, starting to clean their table as a reflex.

“Go, then. I’ll text you later.”

Changyoon smiled and nodded. He started to head out but stopped just before reaching the door, turning one last time toward his friend. Their eyes met and Jaeyoung showed him a thumbs up with a comfortable smile.

Changyoon felt his heart crushed and he was glad that he was able to smile again. He finally left the little shop and the vivid autumn air made him want to throw up.

He had lost control. The world was slipping through his hand and he couldn’t do anything about that.

He was tired.

Tired of lying to his friends, tired of worrying to death the only person he was not lying to, tired to be himself. Everything was wrong because of him, because of how he acted, the choices he made the past few weeks and how weak he had been.

Changyoon was empty, but filled with flowers that wanted his death.

Changyoon was in love.

In love with Lee Seungjun.

Seungjun had been a friend for more than 4 years now. He was a loud extrovert that was easy to tease, and Changyoon would always find satisfaction in annoying him. Seungjun was a cliché main character, a bright but dumb boy, impulsive but always cheerful and never showing his weaknesses. Their chemistry fell into place by itself, Changyoon was always the one nagging and Seungjun would always respond and fall into their never-ending teasing game. It was simple, it was an important part of the relationship they created in their group of friends. Seungjoon was the free spirit of their little group. He hadn’t found a job yet and was determined to become a professional dancer. But until now, he was earning money only from his weekly busking where he would sometimes bring Yuto with him. Even if they were all worrying about his future, Seungjun was always reassuring them, making sure that they understood how precious his goal was and how he was doing everything possible to reach it. That was as respectable as it was concerning.  
Sometimes, Changyoon would go watch him dance. Seungjun wasn’t the best, but he had something special when he was moving alongside the music, something almost hypnotizing about how he moved his head and how he dealt with the details. Every time Changyoon would watch him, he would try to find what made him so special and so different from the others, but he never found it. Maybe he was the one being crazy and imagining things.

He was conscious that he wasn’t being objective when it came to Seungjun, especially when the blond boy was in the middle of a dance. Seungjun was always able to find Changyoon’s eyes and lock to them for the rest of the time, as if Seungjun was the hunter and Changyoon the prey. Changyoon didn’t know yet if he hated or loved it, but it was very confusing how he felt like it was Seungjun’s way of annoying him in the middle of a performance. Changyoon had complained once, and Seungjun had just laughed, confirm that he was imagining things (when he clearly wasn’t). They were neither opposite nor had similar personalities but they ended up being close, until Changyoon lost control. He remembered perfectly the first time he felt his heart beat faster in the presence of the blond boy. It was on a simple day, it was cloudy and their group of friends decided to spend the day at Jaeyoung’s apartment.

And he remembered perfectly how Seungjun had kissed Hyojin.

❃

“Changyoon?”

Fuck.

“I came because of the-“

Hyojin’s voice stopped in the middle of his sentence and Changyoon knew why.

The blood. The petals. He hadn’t taken the time to clean everything up as his current coughing attack was still ongoing. It had happened out of nowhere when he was about to start cooking and he was now waiting for it to end in the toilet.

And it hurt.

This time must have been one of the most painful ones. He kept coughing the delicate white petals of roses, which were painted with blood. If there was one thing that Changyoon hated Seungjoon for, it was to have roses as his favourite flowers. It felt like his own love was trying to strangle him, and every time Changyoon couldn’t help but to think how pathetic his situation was. He wasn’t even sure if he was crying or not, all of his senses were already in pain and overwhelmed by the lack of oxygen.

And Hyojin’s voice made him panic more. Of all the times the boy could have come to get his dumb hoodie, it had to be now.

Of course.

Fate was never on Changyoon’s side anyway. He should have known. He should have made sure his door was fucking closed.

“Hey, are you okay?”

A warm hand came to stroke his back and Changyoon could sense Hyojin’s presence by his side. He hated the fact that it was reassuring, he hated the fact that he was glad one of his friends was here, he hated the fact that it made all his nerves calm in a second, he hated the fact that he seemed so vulnerable and that his coughing started to finally stop.

He breathed without puking flowers. His lungs were on fire and his inspiration was more like a painful wheeze. The metallic taste of blood was still going strong and the mix between the pure scent of rose and blood was making him dizzy.

“Can you stand up?”

He nodded but Hyojin helped him nonetheless, keeping a worried hand on his back.

“Let’s sit in the living room, okay?”

Hyojin guided him inside the small apartment and finally let him sit on a chair. Changyoon’s eyes wandered to the few little petals and drips of blood that were aesthetically disposed on the floor a few meters away.

How could he face Hyojin after that the boy just learned that one of his closest friends had lied to him for months, hiding his struggles and his own feelings for so long?

And Changyoon was sure that Hyojin had already guessed. The older boy was smart, there were not a lot of people who liked white roses in their circle of friends.

Especially when it was his boyfriend.

“You… Are you okay?”

The worry in Hyojin’s voice made him want to hide for at least the next few years.

“I guess…” Changyoon weakly whispered, looking at his hands like a little child who was just caught doing something foolish by his parents.

“Since when?”

Changyoon didn’t answer. His words got stuck in his throat. He coughed a bit and hid the red liquid that ended up on his hands.  
Hyojin moved and a few seconds later, a glass of water was waiting for Changyoon. He muttered a “thank you” before drinking it in one go. It tasted like blood. Like unrequited love.

“You know, I won’t be mad at you. How could I be mad when I just found my best friend coughing blood and flowers and I thought that- “ Hyojin’s voice was shaking so much that Changyoon thought he was crying. So, he looked up, meeting his friend’s eyes for the first time.

Distress.

“I’m sorry…” Changyoon’s whisper was so weak that he didn’t even know if Hyojin had been able to hear it.

Hyojin passed a stressed hand through his hair and finally took the time to sit next to Changyoon.

“Can you explain yourself?”

Changyoon immediately understood that it was a genuine question, that it was his friend being careful and not wanting to intrude.

“I’m going to have a surgery soon.”

“When?”

“In two weeks.”

“Does someone else know?”

“Jaeyoung.”

Relief was visible on Hyojin’s face and Changyoon couldn’t help but to think that he didn’t deserve such a caring friend as him. Even more so, knowing the negative feelings he had felt toward him these past few months even though he had tried his best to bury them all deeper into his heart.

“I’m glad that you weren’t in… this situation by yourself, then.”

“I’m sorry… He- It wasn’t even me who told him, he just happened to be here the first time I coughed a petal…”

Hyojin nodded in understanding.

“So if he hadn’t been there, you would have kept that to yourself?”

“Yeh,” immediately answered the younger boy.

“I didn’t know you were that dumb, but at least I’m not surprised by your stubbornness.”

Hyojin didn’t smile in an amused way as if it was a joke and neither he sighed in frustration.

Changyoon slowly stood up and reached his kitchen in order to fill up his glass with water again.

“Is it me?”

Changyoon’s mind was blank at first. It took him a few seconds to understand what Hyojin was trying to say. When he finally got it, he slowly turned to face the red-haired boy and couldn’t help but to stare down at him.

He wasn’t that smart apparently.

“No, it isn’t you.” Changyoon sat again while drinking more slowly this time.

“Is it Seungjun?”

Changyoon hated his heart for speeding up at the simple mention of his name.

“No,” he simply lied.

This lie wasn’t important anyway. It was about to become the truth in two weeks. It was just a temporary lie, one that couldn’t hurt anyone.

“Are you going to tell me?”

“One day, maybe.”

When they’ll have grown enough to laugh at this stupid story. Changyoon could easily imagine himself telling everything to his group of friends on the day of Hyojin and Seungjun’s marriage, after having drank a bit, and they would all laugh at how dumb he had been when handling the situation. Maybe Minkyun would have scolded him for not telling him earlier, and Yuto would have embarrassed Seungjun about the awkward situation. But he knew that in the end, they all would laugh. And maybe in his heart, the nostalgic feelings would have felt a bit bitter. As bitter as the taste of the blood.

“Did you find your hoodie?” Changyoon had had enough of being stuck again and again in his own feelings.

“Oh, no, I just went in and saw the petals… Do you want help cleaning everything up, by the way?”

“No it’s okay, I’ll do it later.”

“Do you want me to stay here?”

Changyoon thought that Hyojin was trying to show his caring self once again, almost babying him like Jaeyoung was always doing. But he sensed that it was something else.

“If you want to, but you’ll sleep on the couch.” He gave up. “Have you eaten already? I’m gonna order something.”

“I haven’t, and I’m dying from it.”

They decided to order pizzas and Changyoon finally gave Hyojin his long-lost hoodie. He remembered that the other had forgotten it at a party some months ago. The moment their food came, they made their way to the couch and ended up cuddling in the significant number of pillows and covers that Changyoon always had arranged when the weather started to get cold. An old black and white film that Changyoon found boring was playing in the background as they were eating.

“What have you been up to?” he decided to ask out of curiosity after hesitating for a few minutes. This question was not directly dedicated to Hyojin but Changyoon had no other way to hear what he wanted to.

“I’m fine. Just living the daily life, you know.”

“Why are you staying here, then?”

“I’m worried about you.”

Changyoon raised an eyebrow, giving a don’t lie look to the older boy that laughed at the sigh.

“Seungjun has practice, it’s better for me to stay here and to watch you.”

Changyoon rolled his eyes in exaggeration.

“And what if Seungjun didn’t have to practice? You would go to your boy when I could have-“ Changyoon swallowed. “When I could have needed your help?” His voice became weaker as he was confused about what he almost said.

What would have happened if Hyojin hadn’t come?

His sick mind couldn’t help but to think that Seungjun saved him with his practice. If he had been alone at this moment, he would definitely have snorted and laughed at himself with pity.

“I would have stayed with you, of course.” Hyojin finally answered. He changed positions to be able to lay his head in the crook of Changyoon’s neck. His breath on his skin had definitely a reassuring feeling, like the hot wind that was always embracing him at home.

“Thank you,” whispered Changyoon after a moment, “Thank you and I’m sorry.”

❃

Changyoon felt nauseous. He was sleepy too, but an uncomfortable feeling was stopping him from sleeping more.

When he finally found the courage to open his eyes, the brightness of the hospital’s room he was resting made him whine and he took his pillow to cover his face in annoyance.

“Changyoon?”

The voice was a bit high, sounding like the sun in a summer’s morning or the late night cloud hiding the moon above a soothing lack, a voice not particularly melodious but with some mint tips. A voice that he knew so well that he was able to imagine every note it could make, forming every sound and every word, even those he didn’t know.

If this voice was a flower, it would have been a rose.

Changyoon took his pillow away and squeezed it against his torso, his eyes wandering until meeting Seungjun’s.

And he felt weird. Because the last time he met him, he was still in love. But as he watched his friend, nothing happened. No butterflies filling up his heart, no fireworks in his guts, no flowers in his lungs.

“What are you doing here?” Changyoon’s voice was hoarse and full of tiredness.

Either Jaeyoung or Hyojin was the traitor, and Changyoon needed to have a serious talk with the one that explained everything to Seungjun.

“No one could come so I did. I couldn’t just leave you alone.”

“Yes, you could. I think I would have preferred that.”

Changyoon was being honest and didn’t care if it meant hurting the blond boy. He sighed and squished the pillow a bit more, way too exhausted to fight with Seungjun to make him go away.

His eyes traveled to Seungjun’s face, stopping at his eyes as big as a galaxy keeping every secret of the world in them, his messy blond hair falling on his face making him look younger than he really was, his thin lips that always made him think about silk.

Their eyes locked.

Seungjun smiled.

And Changyoon wondered if it was possible to love the same person twice.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this whole little story! I hope you enjoyed it and it suited your taste! I really want to thank my little Abi (@onfults on twitter) for beta-reading and correcting my mistakes <3 
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading and don't hesitate to come to me on twitter as well! @Kaminwh
> 
> See you soon with a new story~


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